i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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