This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
