Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
