When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
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