I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
The ass gains better be worth it
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