I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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