I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
