I'm gonna have a badass scar
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
