I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
