I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
