they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
