mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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