girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
