So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
