Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
