Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
