It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
