Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
