the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
