Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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