I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I need water and some morals
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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