i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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