Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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