Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize