My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
