i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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