Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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