The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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