I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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