i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
What drink are we having for lunch?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
