remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
