I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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