I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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