I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
