The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
