I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
My ass is underappreciated
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
