if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Randomize
