oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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