I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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