Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
