I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
