He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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