here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
