She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He shit in the fireplace
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
