i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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