At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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