when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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