just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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