They should really pass out barf bags in church
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
