You can't motorboat a personality
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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