just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
