You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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